Xie shoves his dresser in front of his door in lieu of a lock, ignoring the way it makes his shoulder twinge, and goes to the bed. The same spiteful, petty part of him that just took control of his stupid mouth wants to start the ritual now, to hell with it, but he still needs the nails and they have to be iron - he can't just break apart some furniture and take the nails from that, though the temptation is there.
Instead he just sits there and fumes, tries to hold on to his anger because as soon as it goes only the guilt and hurt will be left.
Here in the room, though, he's surrounded by little reminders - the repaired lamp, the guitar, the expensive moisturiser that appeared two days after Xie grumbled about his skin drying out, even the broken pendant still sitting on his bedside table, untouched since he left it there.
Kevin has done so much to make his life here more bearable, to make him comfortable, to help him - and all Xie can do is be angry because he can't give him the one thing Xie actually wants from him. The one thing he didn't even realise he wanted.
It's like he's lost his ability to be satisfied, to tell himself he's grateful for what he has. Maybe that's Kevin's fault too. For building him up, for making him want more.
He lies back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, feeling exhausted and restless all at once, but most of all feeling like he's shattered something. Like he had something good and he couldn't just be happy with the way it was, he had to push, had to want more.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:48 pm (UTC)Xie shoves his dresser in front of his door in lieu of a lock, ignoring the way it makes his shoulder twinge, and goes to the bed. The same spiteful, petty part of him that just took control of his stupid mouth wants to start the ritual now, to hell with it, but he still needs the nails and they have to be iron - he can't just break apart some furniture and take the nails from that, though the temptation is there.
Instead he just sits there and fumes, tries to hold on to his anger because as soon as it goes only the guilt and hurt will be left.
Here in the room, though, he's surrounded by little reminders - the repaired lamp, the guitar, the expensive moisturiser that appeared two days after Xie grumbled about his skin drying out, even the broken pendant still sitting on his bedside table, untouched since he left it there.
Kevin has done so much to make his life here more bearable, to make him comfortable, to help him - and all Xie can do is be angry because he can't give him the one thing Xie actually wants from him. The one thing he didn't even realise he wanted.
It's like he's lost his ability to be satisfied, to tell himself he's grateful for what he has. Maybe that's Kevin's fault too. For building him up, for making him want more.
He lies back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, feeling exhausted and restless all at once, but most of all feeling like he's shattered something. Like he had something good and he couldn't just be happy with the way it was, he had to push, had to want more.
Maybe he's the one who's just the same as Yifu.