I'm not okay (Dick and Steve)

[justlikeacircus]

It wasn't that Dick objected, as such, to the idea of spending two weeks in the Caribbean with his boyfriend, it was just that, well, why did it have to be now?

He knew, really, that everybody was worried about him and that the last few weeks had been a lot, even for them, and that some time to rest and recuperate was exactly what the doctor ordered (loudly, and at length), but the idea of being in close quarters with Steve, without anything else to distract him, without any way to hide? It was daunting, to say the least. He hated that it was, because he wanted nothing more than to be able to enjoy this time with Steve, but he didn't know if he'd be able to.

The journey hadn't been too bad, as much as he didn't want to flash his father's cash he had to admit it kind of came in handy for situations like this, everything ran smoothly and he had just enough other things to think about that he didn't have to worry - in fact, he actually managed to let a little excitement overtake him. Two weeks with no villains to fight, no plots to stop, no cities to save? He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a break like that.
The fact that Steve insisted on carrying everything, regardless of how many times Dick pointed out he still had one good arm, had been a little frustrating, but more in a fond exasperation kind of way, he just hoped the other man didn't keep fussing like that, it was only a sprain.

Except now they're in their hotel room, and suddenly Dick has nothing else to think about, nothing but how difficult it was going to be to pretend everything was normal when he knew it really, really wasn't.

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[oldfashionedhero]

The truth was, Steve was looking forward to a break as well. After the last few weeks and barely getting out of it in one piece, he was ready for the opportunity to let his guard down a little with the one person he couldn't seem to get enough of. Though, he had gotten the feeling that Dick had been avoiding him in some ways. It was nothing he could pinpoint exactly, he still had his jokes and that blinding smile, but he always seemed in a rush to be in on place or another. That and he'd gotten a little reckless, even for Dick, and had taken on too many thugs at once without backup, hurting himself in the process.

He knew a sprain was nothing to be worried about, but it worried him that it worried Alfred and Bruce. They knew Dick better than he ever could and both of them had taken him aside to tell him to make him relax. Bruce was even funding this all paid vacation, which is something that Steve wouldn't have allowed under normal circumstances, but let his pride take the hit this time. He fully planned on keeping his promise to the other men.

So once they'd gotten unpacked and taken a moment to look at the gorgeous view, Steve had grinned. "I don't even know what to do first. I think my last vacation was in 1941."

[justlikeacircus]

If they'd been doing this just a few months ago, before everything that had happened, Dick might have wrapped his arms around Steve as they looked out over the view, might have dragged him back from the window and told him he knew exactly what they should do first. But now... now he was just conflicted. He wanted that, wanted nothing more than the easy reassurance of being in Steve's arms, but it wasn't easy anymore, it set off guilt and memories and a dozen other horrible feelings he didn't want to deal with.

So instead he shoves his good hand in his pocket to stave off the temptation to reach for him, laughs lightly at the comment and shrugs with an ease he isn't really feeling.

"Why don't we go take a look around? See what's on offer?"

[oldfashionedhero]

"You sure you don't want to take a minute to rest?" He knows that he's probably acting like a mother hen, but he can't help it. First the kidnapping and Dick's recovery from that and now the sprained wrist, which is nothing in the big scheme of things, but is still jarring to see the wrapping on his wrist as a reminder of how human he is.

Fragile is the least thing Dick is, but Steve can't help but equate the changes in him with his injuries. He's different somehow, more tense, less affectionate. Maybe he's hoping it's with the physical reminder that he's not immortal and not because his feelings about them have changed.

He reaches out for him, taking his arm and pulling him close gently. "We have all the time in the world."

[justlikeacircus]

He has enough self-control not to flinch or pull away, but there's a tension in him as he steps closer to Steve that he can't quite dispel. He hates it, because he wants Steve's touch, wants to be close to him, but he can't fight off the shame and guilt it makes him feel, the memories it conjures up if he's not careful.

"Well we don't have to rush around the place," he chuckles, it sounds a little weak, even to him, but he's trying to sound normal "but a nice leisurely stroll in the sunshine together, taking the place in... sounds like a good way to start, don't you think?"

He's trying so hard just to banish this skittishness, but somehow being here alone with Steve is bringing it to the forefront in a way he's struggling to deal with. He doesn't have anything else to think about, maybe that's the problem, so all he has is him and Steve and the things he's been trying to avoid in his own mind.

[oldfashionedhero]

Steve is used to watching Dick for any kind of hint of movement out in the field. It's something that has come naturally as they've worked together and has only strengthened as they've become closer. The slight tension in his body language might have been imperceptible to anyone else, but Steve sense it nevertheless.

His fingers tighten around Dick's arm slightly unconsciously as if he's afraid Dick might move away from him and his brow furrows slightly as he looks back at him. Steve moves in closer, unconsciously crowding him, concern written across his features. "What's wrong?"

[justlikeacircus]

As Steve's grip tightens and he steps in closer, the tension only gets worse - he doesn't mean to, in fact he's trying to force himself to relax, but some part of him feels trapped by the move and he's just reacting on instinct.

"Nothing." he lies. He knows Steve can tell that's a lie, knows it has to be obvious that something's wrong, but he hopes he'll let him get away with it "just wanting to get the lay of the land, you know? Old habits..."

It's a lame excuse that absolutely doesn't explain why he's so tense, but it's the best he can come up with.

[oldfashionedhero]

Steve's expression shifts into a hint of hurt and surprise as he studies Dick's eyes. He lets go of him, his hand falling to his side. "You're lying."

It's not accusatory, but said as a fact. He wants to tell himself that he's wrong, that he's misreading him in some way, but he knows him well enough to know his micro expressions. To hear the slight force in his voice when he's not being honest.

He sinks on the corner of the bed, his eyes still on Dick. He sighs and shakes his head. "You don't have to lie to me, Dick. Whatever it is, we can talk about it." Even if it's Steve himself.

[justlikeacircus]

Dick hates that he can feel some of that tension easing when Steve lets go - Steve's presence should be a comfort, he wants it to be a comfort, and he can feel the guilt clawing at his throat when it isn't.

"I don't want to talk about it." he says quietly, looking away. He at least stops himself from continuing the denial, he owes Steve that much, he can't keep pretending and just expecting Steve not to notice. He's silent for a moment more and then he runs his hand through his hair with a sigh.

"It's.. I'm dealing with it, alright? It's nothing you need to worry about."

[oldfashionedhero]

Ordinarily the fact that Dick doesn't want to talk about it would be enough, but this time it isn't. As much as Steve respects him and his judgement, he loves him even more. And he can't stand by and watch him try to live a lie. His mind is screaming at him to let it lie. To go on and pretend like nothing's wrong. To play Dick's game, but he can't. He was never that kind of man.

"Whatever it is, you don't have to deal with it alone." He takes a deep breath. "Is it us?"

Maybe this thing between them wasn't meant to get so serious. Maybe he's tired of him and his old fashioned ways. Maybe, he never really felt the same way Steve did and it's becoming too much.

[justlikeacircus]

"No. God no." his answer is instant and sincere, feeling another twist of guilt that Steve could even think that. "This... us... that's... you're the best thing in my life right now, Steve. I'm sorry I... I can't..." he trails off, huffing out a frustrated breath. He doesn't know how to talk about this without talking about, how to reassure Steve that it's nothing he's done and it's just something Dick has to deal with by himself... only, Steve's right, he isn't alone. As painful as any of this is to give voice to, he can't help but think about how he already accidentally drove Steve away once by not being open with him, how easy it must be for Steve to think he's the problem if Dick won't tell him what really is.

"I still get nightmares." It's a strange place to start but it's the first thing that he manages to get out, "I have nightmares and I can't sleep and I... I don't like being touched and I can't think about-" he stops, shaking his head.

"I've been throwing myself into work because I didn't want to think about it, but it made me reckless..." he glances at his wrist and he shrugs awkwardly.

[oldfashionedhero]

Steve can't help but let his shoulders drop a little in relief at his quick answer, though it's clear that things are far from fine by Dick's hesitancy. Dick was usually all confidence and grace, watching him struggle to find the right words was more than a sign that something serious was bothering him. "It's okay," Steve says softly as he tries to find the words.

When he does find the words, Steve feels his chest tighten at the realization that they bring. That not only is Dick still being held captive in his dreams, but that his body is betraying him also. Suddenly all the careful distance and avoidance makes sense. That and the recklessness that had gotten him hurt. Steve's mouth goes dry an ashy.

He makes a movement to reach out for Dick but catches himself, bringing his hand back to his side. "Dick," he says slowly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." It's laughable really, because he didn't know because Dick didn't want him to. But it still feels like he needs to say it, because if he had known he would've done things so differently. He would've spoken up sooner instead of worrying that it was him. His own insecurity made him blind to what was really going on. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

[justlikeacircus]

"I want to, I just.. can't." he says, frustration clear in his voice. Some of that tension inside of him eases, though, at Steve's apology, at the quiet acceptance - despite knowing that Steve knew what had happened, he'd still been unable to shake the traitorous part of his mind that whispered Steve might still hate him for it, might be disgusted with him. Logically, he knows that's not the case, Steve has proven that's not the case, but the thought refuses to go away.

"I just want to be able to wash away the memory of it, like I can replace their touch with yours, I don't want anybody in my head except you..." but he can't, and the memories won't go away.

He moves to an armchair in the corner, dropping down into it and resting his forehead on his good hand.

"I hate it."

[oldfashionedhero]

It's so difficult not to get up from where he is and move to Dick. To kneel in front of him and pull him into a kiss. They've only been together for a short while and yet Steve's already forgotten what it was like before he had Dick's easy touch and accessibility. He'd never been the type that touched others, except the occasional hug or arm around his shoulders from Bucky. Before the serum no one had really wanted to touch him and afterwards it had always seemed like it was for the wrong reasons.

Dick had changed that, egging him on through his awkwardness as they'd become intimate. Reminding him of how much he wanted him with a touch of the wrist or a brush of his lips. Steve had learned quickly, responding in turn and now it almost came as second nature, at least with Dick. But now that he suddenly had that taken away, he didn't know what to do. Or how to comfort the man in front of him.

"When's the last time you slept?" Steve asks, looking over at him. "Really slept?"

[justlikeacircus]

Dick wants nothing more than for Steve to kiss him, to hold his hand and make it all go away, because Dick has always been a tactile person and he craves that kind of reassurance - he just knows as soon as that contact is made it's all going to turn sour and unpleasant and trigger a rush of adrenaline that he doesn't know how to stop.

"The whole night?" he asks, huffing out a laugh with no amusement in it "I don't know if I have, not since... not since it happened." He's been to sleep plenty, but it's always been interrupted or poor; he's been getting enough to keep him from going totally crazy, but he still hasn't felt well rested for weeks now.

[oldfashionedhero]

"Come here," Steve says, patting the bed beside him. He scoots over, giving Dick plenty of room on the large bed without having to come close to touching Steve. He toes off his shoes and stretches out on the bed, pulling a pillow down for himself and setting one beside him out for Dick.

"Let's start with that. I won't touch you unless you want me to and if you have a nightmare, I can remind you where you are."

[justlikeacircus]

He's cautious, clearly, but he moves over to sit on the bed beside Steve. He trusts him enough that he knows he's not going to do anything Dick doesn't want him to, and it's kind of a relief to have come clean, to be able to get closer and know he doesn't have to worry about giving himself away. The suggestion gives him pause, though, and for a moment he just stares at Steve in surprise.

It's the middle of the afternoon, they've just arrived, they're supposed to be... the objections die before he can even voice them. They're supposed to be relaxing, and what was more relaxing than an afternoon nap with your boyfriend? If he thought about it like that, it almost seemed normal..

"Okay." he agrees with an amused sigh, kicking off his shoes and shifting to lie on the bed beside Steve, rolling on his side to face him. "We can try that."

[oldfashionedhero]

Steve grins at him, relieved that he's not going to fight him on this and at least give it a shot. He can only imagine how tired Dick is without getting needed sleep and also trying to keep up appearances to everyone, including himself.

He still has to fight the urge to reach out for him, but he does. Ordinarily being this close would be enough reason to kiss and then mess around before heading out, but he pushes down that want and focuses on Dick instead.

"I gave Alfred my word that I'd get you to relax," he says, with the tiniest hint of amusement. Bruce is implied, even if his name isn't outright mentioned. His expression sobers a little. "But maybe knowing I'm here will help. You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

Except it had. He'd been singled out because of his involvement with Steve and that was something that Steve wasn't going to forgive of himself easily for a long time either. His hands had been tied because he'd been Dick Grayson and not Nightwing. And that knowledge, that he'd been forced to play the part was enough to make Steve's chest ache. Indirectly, this was his fault and they both knew it.

[justlikeacircus]

"I guess I've been worrying him..." Dick admits ruefully. All they seem to do as a family is worry Alfred, but he knows he's been even worse lately. He really shouldn't have pushed himself so hard but he didn't know how else to deal with what he was feeling, he'd hoped it would just go away.

"I know you wouldn't." he agrees softly - and he does, he knows absolutely that Steve has his back no matter what, he knows even if Steve had been disgusted with him, or blamed him for what happened, he'd still never let him come to any harm because that's just the kind of person Steve is. Steve may think they both know this was his fault, but even in his darkest moments Dick would never for a single second put any of the blame at his feet - he's already a target to dozens of villains for any number of reasons, just because the ones who happened to get him this time did it because of Steve? Didn't make it his fault.

[oldfashionedhero]

"I love you." The words come out before he even realizes they're about to and he immediately can't help but think that this was the worst time he could possibly pick to say them. Not right now when Dick is trying to deal with so much and there's nothing he can do to help him with it, but try to be there physically and emotionally. A big useless capsicle, melting his feelings all over the place.

He swallows, closing his eyes against his own stupidity for a moment. Breathing out through his nose and when he opens them again, there's an inherent apologetic look for them. "Sorry, I shouldn't have..." He pauses, doubling down instead. "It's not the best time, I know, but I do... Love you. And we'll get through this together. None of this was or is your fault. You're safe and you're mine and you always will be, for as long as you want to be."

[justlikeacircus]

For a very long moment, Dick just stares at him, eyes wide and startled. The words echo in his head. I love you. We'll get through this together. You're safe and you're mine and you always will be.. It should be too much, it should be big and scary and absolutely not the right time for it... but it's exactly what he needs to hear.

That Steve can still want him, that Steve can love him after what happened, that he doesn't blame Dick at all, it's enough to switch off that horrible voice in the back of his mind, even if just for the moment. It's enough for Dick to reach out, hesitant but determined, to take Steve's hand and squeeze it gently.

"Thank you. Your timing was just fine, I.. I needed that." he admits "I want to be. Yours. I want you to be by my side while I'm dealing with this... I want to be there for you, as well, no matter what. Because I love you too, Steve."

[oldfashionedhero]

Steve's heart is pounding in his chest at Dick stares at him, but then he reaches out for him and squeezes his hand and Steve can't help but squeeze back reflexively like it's some kind of lifeline. And when he says it back, he feels like his heart just might explode.

He wants to kiss him, but he squeezes his hand again instead and smiles, relieved. "You are," he assures him, his thumb brushing the inside of his wrist before letting go. "I'm yours too."

He scoots a little closer, but is careful to leave enough distance between them to not crowd Dick. "Try to get some sleep and when you wake up we can do whatever we want to. We can take our time without the world falling down around us."

[justlikeacircus]

Dick wishes Steve would kiss him, is tempted to say to hell with it and kiss Steve, but he doesn't want to push himself too fast when he's already feeling so raw from talking about it, even after the confessions of love. They have soothed him, though, enough that the idea of sleep doesn't feel impossible, enough that he might, might make it through without a nightmare for the first time in weeks.

"Okay," he says, a soft smile on his face - taking their time sounds perfect, actually. He gets comfortable, grateful for Steve's presence - solid and close but not too much - and closes his eyes. Before he tries to sleep, though, he can't resist another murmured "love you."