Oh, oh, oh it's magic (Xie and Kevin)
Oct. 15th, 2023 01:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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Somehow, though, after many years (and a few suspicious deaths), he's managed to climb his way to the CEO of Five Lakes, his power - of both kinds - growing exponentially.
The previous CEO was surrounded by some unfortunate rumorus before his death, so Zhao Jing has been focused on repairing the reputation of he company and solidifying his support, mundane and magical, which means it is far too delicate a moment for Xie to be in the spotlight, even if he was promised he'd be allowed to stop hiding when the position was in Zhao Jing's hands.
He just has to wait a little longer, that's all, and it's not like it's difficult to only appear in his animal form whenever Zhao Jing is in public, just uncomfortable, and the last thing they need is for somebody to recognise Xie for any of the things he's done to help his witch get where he is today, when his position is still so precarious...
He tells himself all the excuses he's heard from Yifu, repeats them in his head like a mantra as he sits through all the meetings and negotiations, a little black cat and Zhao Jing's feet, watching the men and women he's speaking to for anything Yifu can use. He hangs around when Zhao Jing steps out the room, listens to what they say behind his back - that's his job with normal people, to be a pair of ears they don't realise are there. Even paranoid types who scan for bugs would miss him, which he finds funny, privately, because he is a bug of a sort.
Not that he's allowed to take his original animal form - a scorpion would be out of place if anybody caught sight of him, and Yifu doesn't like the idea of him hiding in pockets or anything like that. He says it's dangerous, that something could happen to him, but Xie privately thinks he just finds the form creepy. Even around other magical people, the cat is preferred - his job with them is to be a reminder that Zhao Jing has a familiar, and a relatively powerful one at that.
It's hard for familiars to change the form they can take, but he did it, for Yifu.
He tells people the cat is called Scorpion, and that somebody else named him - which is technically true, Xie does mean scorpion, and his parents named him - and that he's vaguely embarrassed to have such a fiercely named cat.
(He doesn't tell magical people anything at all, they know Xie isn't a pet so they're less likely to ask, at most they will wonder why his familiar always stays in animal form. Zhao Jing just tells them he's shy. He isn't, he doesn't care about people seeing him, but it's easier to do the things Yifu wants him to do when nobody knows what he looks like)
Xie hadn't always known he was powerful - when Yifu had taken him in he'd been told he wasn't much, but that maybe he could be useful. Later, when some witch had made an offhand comment about it, the story had become that Yifu recognised his power and took him in before anybody else could steal him away, that he just wanted to protect Xie from the people who would use him for his power. Xie was already so far gone by that point that he accepted it, that he told himself he was lucky he had Yifu to protect him, to guide him.
It's funny how easy it is to lie to yourself.
When the meetings are over for the day he finally shifts back to human form, spending a few minutes stretching out the kinks that come from forcing himself into a form that isn't quite his, especially with how much he's had to do it over the last few weeks, and then going in search of something to eat. He could probably just head back to his own apartment since he doesn't think Yifu needs anything else from him, not today, but the outsiders have all left and everybody in Yifu's manor at least knows Xie, even if they don't know that Xie and Scorpion are one and the same, so it's safe to be around them.
He likes to spend as much time here as he can get away with, likes to remind Yifu he can be useful in other ways... and maybe he likes to keep an eye on this new apprentice Yifu has taken on. He doesn't understand why he needs anybody else when he has Xie, but the last time he'd questioned somebody new in the house Yifu hadn't spoken to him for a week, so he doesn't voice that thought out loud - he just watches the guy suspiciously every chance he gets, and wonders how easy he would be to get rid of.
He's halfway to the kitchen when something makes him stop. A tug of power, the vague echo of chanting, there's a ritual happening and something about it is drawing him close. He frowns, confused, and follows the pull...
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:54 am (UTC)Xie wants to say he assumed, he never asked, but he knows that's not really fair. He didn't know to ask, and it was clear that he didn't, that's not really his fault.
"Well. It wouldn't." He shrugs "But that's my problem, not yours. Your problem is being bonded to me, so I found a way to fix it."
He sounds calm, matter of fact, which he thinks is a fucking miracle, but the last thing he wants in this moment is to break and admit all of the stupid thoughts in his stupid brain.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:00 am (UTC)"How poorly do you think of me that you think I'd want this for you? That I wouldn't care about you doing this to yourself?"
Is he making it about himself? Probably, but Xie is using some messed up idea of what he wants to do this horribly self destructive thing, so technically he made it about Kevin first.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:13 am (UTC)"I don't." Xie says simply, almost bluntly "I know you wouldn't want it for me, I know you'd care, because you wouldn't want it for anyone. That's why I didn't tell you, so you wouldn't have to feel guilty about it."
He's a little taken aback, to be honest, that Kevin thinks anybody could think that poorly of him after knowing him for even five minutes.
"I know you care." He repeats "You care so much you'd subject yourself to a bond you didn't even want in the first place, indefinitely, with a confirmed criminal who has literally threatened to murder you, just because you didn't like the alternative for them."
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:04 am (UTC)"You'd let me watch it happen to you, or turn it up in my research and realise that you did it to get away from me, and that wouldn't be worse?"
It's not until he says it that he realises his mental image of what happens after has somehow shifted so that Xie is still in his life. Somehow.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:15 am (UTC)"It wouldn't be worse, because you'd be free."
He couldn't control the guilt Kevin would feel when or if he ever found out, but he could (he'd thought) stop that guilt from making him keep a bond he didn't want.
"And you wouldn't watch it happen because you'd be off living your life and I'd be in whatever prison or cell they decided to stick me in."
He couldn't count on diminished responsibility, not for sure, and he's not going to admit he'd obviously be planning to escape, but either way after all this is over he isn't going to get to see Kevin again.
He isn't entirely sure when it shifted from not having to see Kevin again to not getting to see Kevin again, but there it is.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:29 am (UTC)He shouldn't- you're not supposed to visit CHISes in prison; if he was made as a cop it would make Xie's life very bad indeed. But Xie would probably be okay.
"Xie, do you at least understand it's not been my freedom I've been worried about? That I might not like the bond, but I don't hate you?"
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:42 am (UTC)Of course he would, wouldn't he? Because Kevin feels responsible for Xie, now, he'd want to check up on him. Because he's a good person.
"Of course I understand that." He snaps "Because you don't worry about yourself. All you do is think about other people."
He doesn't even know why he's getting angry, combative, but there's just something about this conversation that's like sandpaper dragging across his skin.
"I know you don't hate me. But you don't want me either. You didn't ask for this any more than I did. You wanted a cat."
It's not fair, to throw that at him again, not when they've already had that conversation, but Xie does it anyway. Because he isn't a good person.
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Date: 2023-10-26 12:01 pm (UTC)In the gap after Xie has spoken the kettle boils - the bubbling reaches an audible peak and the steam strains against the plastic until it switches itself off with a loud click in the silent kitchen.
The gentle throb in his hands and protestation of the scar tissue tells Kevin he'd formed a fist, which he lets go of.
"Expected," he corrects, very quietly.
And then - then he isn't sure what to say. So he breathes in slowly and finally says:
"Can you at least tell me what you want?"
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Date: 2023-10-26 12:21 pm (UTC)I want you. I want you brushing my hair and cooking me dinner. I want to watch Queer Eye and play chess and snipe at each other with insults we don't mean. I want to hate sitting through a stupid football match but doing it anyway because it makes you happy. I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with me
It hits him with a force that's almost solid. He doesn't even know if he means it romantically or not, he doesn't think that even matters, but the thought comes to him unbidden and with it comes an ache that is honestly familiar, but that he's previously only associated with his need for the tiniest scrap of genuine affection from Yifu, for his attention and praise and approval.
Maybe that's what the bond does. Makes him imprint like some fucking duckling. Except it doesn't, and he knows it doesn't, he knows enough about bonds and Familiars and how it all works to know that this is just him. Maybe it's because of losing his parents and being alone for so many years, maybe it's because he spent a little too long without a bond and he really did go a bit mad, but all he really wants is to connect with someone, to belong with someone.
He should probably just be glad that at least he wants something slightly healthier, now, even if he once again wants something he can't have.
Because Kevin pushed back about the cat part, but he didn't deny that he didn't want Xie.
It's a long, long moment before he finally answers, before he can trust himself to not let the truth come spilling out the moment he opens his mouth.
"I want to be bonded to someone who actually wants me. Not because I'm powerful, not because it's the right thing to do and they're stuck with it, but because they actually want a bond with me." He says tiredly. It is closer to the truth than he'd like, but he knows Kevin isn't going to stop pushing if he tries to sidestep it entirely
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Date: 2023-10-26 12:34 pm (UTC)It's really not an unreasonable thing to want, and he hates himself for not being able to provide it, not because he doesn't want Xie...
...that was a thought he wasn't expecting, and he immediately stamps on it, but not before realising that he does, in fact want to want Xie. Wants to be able to provide those things. Wants this whatever this is, to be real.
"Okay," he says. "So maybe... maybe we should put a pin in breaking the bond for now, because if you do that, you'll never find the right person."
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Date: 2023-10-26 12:48 pm (UTC)He's never going to find the right person anyway. Where the fuck is he going to find someone like that? Prison? But of course Kevin says let's not break the bond, of course he does.
Xie almost wants to laugh. Wants to say I told you so.
Instead he takes a breath and smiles. It's the same soft, accommodating smile he used to give Yifu when he was at his most irritatingly patronising. He inclines his head and pours every inch of syrupy, agreeable geniality he is capable of into his tone.
"Your wish is my command, master."
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:03 pm (UTC)His hand screams in protest as he forms a fist and for a moment he's not sure if he can control himself, if he can stop himself launching across the kitchen at Xie.
But he does. He has that much control.
He turns and leaves the kitchen, heading down into the basement.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:12 pm (UTC)Even before he sees it, Xie knows the effect that's going to have on him. Between outright statements and hints here and there, it's clear where Kevin's discomfort with the bond lies, and even seeing the much healthier example of Kexing and Zishu doesn't seem to have soothed much of that discomfort.
When the words are out, though, he genuinely isn't sure exactly how it's going to play out. Is he going to get angry? Yell? Hit him? Is he going to be hurt? Wounded as sure as if Xie had picked up a knife?
It seems for a moment as though the answer is both. He sees the shock, sees the way his hand clenches, tenses for an attack... and then he just leaves. And Xie watches him go.
Maybe Tony was right. Maybe Kevin is the frog.
But Xie's the fucking idiot drowning himself because he can't keep from lashing out.
He stays exactly where he is for a long, long moment. Then he leaves as well, going upstairs - mostly because his room is the only space that feels like his own, but it doesn't hurt that it's the furthest possible distance he can put between him and Kevin while they're both still stuck here.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:32 pm (UTC)But now, he drags the briefing table out to the side and pulls out the Century Bob training dummy into the middle, capitulating to his injury only in that he pulls a pair of gloves on first.
He knows this is a bad plan, bit he also knows that if he doesn't do something he's going to explode, so he lays into the stupid dummy, giving it everything he's got.
It hurts - it hurts and he's probably adding days if not a week to his recovery time, but even as his hand screams out to him he can't help pushing further.
What's the point in holding back, he thinks. He can always fucking heal it afterwards.
Anyway? He can at least work his other hand just as hard.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:48 pm (UTC)Xie shoves his dresser in front of his door in lieu of a lock, ignoring the way it makes his shoulder twinge, and goes to the bed. The same spiteful, petty part of him that just took control of his stupid mouth wants to start the ritual now, to hell with it, but he still needs the nails and they have to be iron - he can't just break apart some furniture and take the nails from that, though the temptation is there.
Instead he just sits there and fumes, tries to hold on to his anger because as soon as it goes only the guilt and hurt will be left.
Here in the room, though, he's surrounded by little reminders - the repaired lamp, the guitar, the expensive moisturiser that appeared two days after Xie grumbled about his skin drying out, even the broken pendant still sitting on his bedside table, untouched since he left it there.
Kevin has done so much to make his life here more bearable, to make him comfortable, to help him - and all Xie can do is be angry because he can't give him the one thing Xie actually wants from him. The one thing he didn't even realise he wanted.
It's like he's lost his ability to be satisfied, to tell himself he's grateful for what he has. Maybe that's Kevin's fault too. For building him up, for making him want more.
He lies back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, feeling exhausted and restless all at once, but most of all feeling like he's shattered something. Like he had something good and he couldn't just be happy with the way it was, he had to push, had to want more.
Maybe he's the one who's just the same as Yifu.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:08 pm (UTC)They can't be friends, they can't be partners, because Kevin is a police officer and Xie is a murderer, and because Xie hates him, so much he's wiling to put himself through all that just to be free of Kevin, but he wants to do it in the most painful way possible and...
...and Kevin, the idiot, thought he could save him, like he was a fucking project.
Kevin lays into the training dummy until the pain in both hands is screaming, until his vision goes red and then black and he gets angrier and angrier because the damn thing won't hit back. He pounds on it, vaguely aware in the back of his mind he's turned even this into a sacrifice and he's inviting yet more of the local power into him.
He continues until something physically snaps in the dummy and it stops even taking his hits, listing weakly to the side. Kevin collapses against it, drenched in sweat and barely able to see, let alone move.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:24 pm (UTC)Xie tries to meditate. Closes his eyes and empties his mind and tries, really fucking tries to relax into it.
But there's something boiling. Something fierce and sharp and so, so angry just at the edge of his consciousness. At first he thinks he's just failing, can't clear his mind because of his own emotions. Then he realises it isn't his anger.
That has him sitting bolt upright in horror because no. No no no no no no no... he can't..
He knows about empathy. Knows that it's possible when a bond is strong and good and right, he'd researched it extensively because he wanted to try and work out why he never had it with Yifu, what he was doing wrong - before he knew or even dared to think that his bond with Yifu was a rotten, broken thing that would never result in that kind of synchronicity.
This isn't supposed to be happening. It isn't fair. Why now? Why him?
He can blame the strength of the emotions, but he knows that's bullshit, because Yifu had plenty of strong emotions and he never sensed any of them like this.
He moves without thinking, shoving himself off the bed and grabbing the dresser to move it back. He had to go down there, he had to... had to what? Put himself in place of whatever Kevin was taking his anger out on? Because it's him who's caused this. He was the one who took the sharpest knife he had and twisted it in Kevin's cut without a second thought.
He sinks down to his knees, presses his head against the dresser and just stays there, lost and alone and useless. He couldn't even call one of the others to come and look after him. He couldn't do anything.
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Date: 2023-10-26 02:36 pm (UTC)He makes another fist. It's not fair, he can't be missing that now.
Eventually he hauls himself up, shoves the dummy back where it had been, tries to rearrange the furniture back, and creeps upstairs for a shower.
As long as Xie stays in his room, he thinks, he shouldn't have to explain what he's been doing.
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Date: 2023-10-26 03:12 pm (UTC)Xie doesn't need him to explain because he can make an educated guess, could practically feel the pain in his own hands as he sat there, and despite everything some part of him still wants to shove aside the dresser and go out there to yell at him for being so fucking stupid and messing up his healing again.
But what right does he have to do that? They're not even friends... and yet they've somehow bonded strongly enough that Xie is getting fucking empathy.
It's not fucking fair.
He waits until Kevin's in the shower, finally gets up and moves the dresser. He slips downstairs to get some things and then disappears back into his room, closing the door behind him.
When Kevin emerges from the shower, he'll find the first aid kit sitting outside the door, along with the box of painkillers and a glass of water.
Xie doesn't know if Kevin will take it as an apology or a scolding, doesn't even know how he means it, but he doesn't care as long as he actually uses it.
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Date: 2023-10-26 03:35 pm (UTC)He scoops up both and heads into his room, almost thanking Xie through the link before shutting it down, not trusting himself to say anything.
He retreats into his bedroom, with the water and the painkillers, and sits, feeling guilty as he carefully dresses his hand and sits for another round of meditation.
Mostly because he was told to.
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Date: 2023-10-26 03:42 pm (UTC)Xie grabs his guitar, puts his headphones on and tries to just lose himself in music instead. Plays until his shoulder is aching and his fingers are sore from the strings.
It doesn't help.
He tries, and fails, to meditate again, considers dealing with the fact his stomach is rumbling because he hasn't eaten at all today, then decides it serves him right for fucking everything up and he can go to bed hungry.
So he does.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:10 pm (UTC)He leaves a bowl outside Xie's room in the exact same way then retreats back into his room.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:19 pm (UTC)Xie is aware of Kevin's presence when he stops outside the door, of course he is, and for a moment he wonders if he's going to knock, or come in, if maybe...
But then he moves away and Xie calls himself an idiot. He does cross to the door, though, when he hears Kevin's door shut, and opens it a crack to peer through.
He has half a mind to just leave the ramen there, doesn't even really know what to make of it, but after some internal debate he grabs the bowl and retreats back inside to eat.
It's quick, it's simple, it's basic... but it's still really fucking good. He tells himself it's just because he's hungry.
It feels like they've gone backwards. Like things are back to the way they were when they first got here - only worse, because at least before it was only Xie sulking in his room, now it's both of them. He's an idiot, but he doesn't know how to fix things like this.
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:31 pm (UTC)Xie needs and deserves someone who wants him, that's fair. He should have someone who chose him, who wants him for him, rather than using him for his power or to keep his power from someone else. And Kevin... Kevin will always be the cop who tricked him and stole him without thinking.
And then he thinks of Xie's hair in his hands, thinks of snarking over football, that cat on the back of his chair because he thought Kevin wanted it, and he just thinks about how much he wants to want him, how much he'll miss him when he does leave.
He sleeps poorly, fitfully, and is already up when the others arrive, shutting their questioning looks up swiftly with a look of his own.
"Just let's get on with the brief."
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Date: 2023-10-26 04:56 pm (UTC)It's not uncommon for Xie to not emerge to say hello to them when they arrive, but there's usually at least some sign of his presence - a breakfast plate by the sink, sounds of movement, the indication that Kevin is talking through the link, something.
Today there's nothing, all is quiet and Xie's door remains closed.
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